parasocial relationships are fine, actually

part 1 of how a self isolating culture justifies and moralizes not forming meaningful attachments because “it’s weird”

Parasocial relationships as a theory seems to have taken off a lot lately. Whether that's talking about how fans of musicians such as Chapel Roan can get gatekeep-y, as if she's their friend who specifically told them who the true fans are, or Will Wood, who act entitled to access to concerts or certain kinds of content, as if Will Wood has ever been a musician who caters to his audience. It can be about fictional characters, who people act as if you need to treat them as real people and not fictional ones who you can enjoy simply because you do. It can be about celebrities, about podcasters, actors, writers, anyone.

A parasocial relationship, as defined by dictionary.com, "refers to a relationship that a person imagines having with another person whom they do not actually know". The term originated from, believe it or not, 1957. Two sociologists coined the term in a work titled "Mass Communication and Pra-Social Interaction."

The simplified explanation is that when you consume enough content from someone or about something, it has a personal impact on you. You'd all be lying if you said reading a book or watching a tv show or listening to music was something that never affected you, or if you never had a favorite youtuber or celebrity who has an emotional affect.

A common example is this- when Princess Diana died, the reactions from hundreds of thousands of people were very emotional, despite the fact that the vast majority of these people had never met or even really been materially impacted by her. Somehow, though, many people were sad. When Kurt Cobain killed himself, it isn’t just his friends like Kathleen Hanna who wrote about how death’s emotional impact. It shocked so many Nirvana fans. On a smaller scale, every death of a trans kid this year has brought me to tears and made me want to fight even harder for a better world- Brianna Ghey’s murderer’s trials ended this year, Nex Benedict in Oaklahoma and Pauly Likens in Pennsylvania. I knew none of these teens, but they impacted me.

I wouldn't say that this is because of some made up relationship in your head that you’re convinced is real. That seems far too simplistic for something I believe should be analyzed as a subconscious that we are sometimes aware of. Chances are, you would feel upset if a childhood stuffed animal you held onto for years was lost or damaged beyond repair, right? You didn't delude yourself into believing you had a friendship or personal relationship with this inanimate object, and yet it's like a person to you.

And I would also argue that parasocial relationships are entirely one way, and that an impact is never made on the subject of the parasocial relationship. Despite not knowing their fans, when a musician sees their fan's posts, which are not directed at the musician and reading it does not count really as a social interaction with the fan, enough of that might influence them. Especially in comments under their videos. Fans of the previously mentioned Will Wood will know what I'm talking about, you've probably seen his rants about social media and having a fan base in ways that impact him- mostly negative and complaining about TikTok.

And parasocial relationships do have a "dark side", as youtubes under that keyword are sure to tell you right away. Obsessions go too far, whether that means an individual stalks or harasses a celebrity or creator. Sometimes fans convince one another that something is wrong with the subject, and they turn it into an online harassment campaign started by next to nothing.

People online being weird about celebrities, artists, musicians, writers, is something that has always happened and I believe always will, to some extent. And these people or groups can have a negative impact on how we as a society view parasocial relationships.

There's a growing idea of a casual enjoyer, which is the idea of an ideal person.

Someone who

1. Is well rounded in the media they enjoy- knows a lot of it.

2. Actively enjoys specific bits of media, but

3. Does not appear heavily impacted by the creator or their creation.

4. Is not annoying about the things they enjoy, not overly enthusiastic.

I saw this going around in a post I can no longer find, which was a call to stop being so weird about musicians because you don't know them- something I agree with - but then goes on to act baffled by people who are personally impacted by music and the people who create it. To say that treating them as anything but a random person is morally and socially wrong somehow.

Acting as if you do know someone because of things that they've written is incorrect and often inappropriate, and acting like you can speak for a person you don't know is wrong, but being impacted by something is good.

I’ll be the first to admit that, as someone who has a special interest in music, I have parasocial relationships with a lot of bands and musicians I like. People have been my special interests for a long period of time. Sometimes even the subjects of their songs. Listen to enough interviews, read their memoir enough times, listen to their catalog enough and it does feel as though you know them. And I'm aware that I don't, and yet I know something! They impact me by being the individual they are and I impact them by being a part of a fanbase they are generally aware of, both of these without direct interaction between the two parties.

And is that a bad thing? Why is there a desire to be unenthusiastic because "that's a stranger?"

It's an odd argument. I don't understand how someone could believe it honestly and follow it as well.

That is a stranger. That is someone who I do not know, but that doesn't mean we should be detached from one another. That is a stranger who shared their personal experiences and a work of art of some kind, and how could interacting with this not change me a bit? Why would that be a bad thing?

The Sci Guys did an episode with YouTuber Shaba, who wrote a paper somewhere on parasocial relationships, that explained it in a really well done and nuanced way. And I left with the impression that parasocial relationships can be good for you, given the right circumstances and the right measured response.

Being affected by the kind of media you interact with, despite not really knowing the person who made it or sometimes the fictional people involved, can be good. As outlined, emotional impacts by strangers can be important. When a horror movie called I Saw The TV Glow came out, plenty of trans people posted or drew comments about how the message had shocked them and made them contemplate their existence, which is a parasocial relationship- being impacted by someone who is not real or you do not know and can't directly interact with- and I saw it have a hugely positive impact.

There seems to be a rising opinion that respect means leaving public figures alone- fair enough- but this entails not feeling passionate about anything that isn't familiar to you, not interacting with other people who like it, not feeling happy or hurt or excited about things that happen with public figures, and to detach yourself from all of that in the name of "privacy"

They may be people deserving of respect and yes, privacy, but what is private about published works, about public and consensual interviews, about things that they want you to be excited about? Should we look away because what they shared is too intimate for us, and act like our feelings are morally justifiable? "That's just a person" that's true, but we get excited about things all of the time, it's human nature to be engaged with your surroundings and form a relationship to them.

"Don't mistreat public figures because you feel entitled to them" has somehow slowly morphed into "don't interact with public figures or have what I consider emotional or personal reactions to things they've made, or else you're being weird and invading their privacy."

It creates a culture of justified isolation and detachment, a culture that uses justifications like privacy to avoid seeming too enthusiastic, being "calm" and "normal about things". And I, for one, don't think that's any healthier or better for people.